Emptiness

खोया खोया चाँद

"आँखों में सारी रात जायेगी .....

तुमको भी कैसे नींद आएगी...."

नींद कहाँ आती है....जब खोये रहते हैं, डूबे रहते हैं. इतना ज्यादा की बचने की कोई उम्मीद नहीं होती और एक डर आवाज़ करता है की यह कहीं फिर से तो नहीं हो रहा 

When you don’t know whether to cry or laugh feeling the love you feel. When you don’t know whether you are contained in it or it is contained in you. The promise of tomorrow and the bliss of today. Every day, every second is like life which was taken away and given back but only after it was embroidered with stars and raindrops and light and dreams and smiles and laughter and hope and contentment. The feeling that nothing could be better than this. When you cant understand how you could call what you were doing till now living. When you are falling so hard and fast you are scared it will shatter you when you reach solid ground but you still smile knowing it will  be a bed of roses.

When you look into his eyes and you see the faith you have never seen before anywhere. When sometimes the words that he knows you more than you know yourself is not just a stupid film cliché. When you can dream with your eyes open and yet when you sleep, you can see him , feel him and breathe him like it was all real. To know him is to love him. To be in the presence of him is to die every second and be born again, more beautiful than last time. It’s somewhat like you shut your eyes once second coz you could not bear life any longer only to open them the next and realize that wasn’t life at all.

When you feel like a colourful free bird soaring in the sky even when your legs are tied to his and you haven’t stepped out for the past 24 hours.

When you realize, know nothing ,no one could be better than this. When you suddenly somehow find a meaning to life and a reason to live and not just to live but to exhilarate. When you admit to yourself that all you were doing till now was finding a way to get here.

When the promise of the future scares you as much as the pain of the past. Each is enhanced by the other. BUT, the pain doesn’t matter because it was just a path. The path to him. The only way you could understand and value the celebration that he is. The pain was just the burning of the spice in your mouth. And then you cherish the pain and hold it close. Sweet pain, which led to the sweet torment.

The torment of the coming months. The torment of the fear that its just another dream. The torment of emotion you feel everytime you look into his eyes or brush against his cheek. The torment of the smile that crosses your lips when you see him argue passionately naughtily cussing his friend across the table. The torment of being bathed in the brilliance of a person who doesn’t even realize that you are blinded by his light. The torment of kissing his neck every night and bidding him goodbye; of repeating the same words of agony and despair. The torment of the goodbye at the stairs; the torment of living through the whole day only to meet the promise that twilight brings.

The torment of feeling the love you cant bear to feel. The torment of realizing this is life and suddenly you lose perspective on the past.

The torment of feeling complete even when he is away only to realize that it just wasn’t complete enough when he kisses your waist and a tear trickles down your face.

The torment of fulfillment. The torment of contentment. The torment of the tantalization.